Worried Thoughts Keeping me Up at Night

Thoughts invade my mind at times like a storm in my brain where there is no shelter. No place to hide. No place to keep out of the downpour. These thoughts keep me up at night and awake in the early hours of morning when the rest of the world is slumbering away. They race through my mind bounce off the wall inside creating havoc and destruction. I’ve tried to put them back in the box the spring from but the will not go away quietly. It takes hours to round up all these thoughts and pack them back away. Unfortunately, I haven’t trained my subconscious on how to keep them under lock and key as I’m sleeping and the next night they emerge again demanding my attention as the rest of the world is quiet. I’m considering a bigger lock for my box. I’m considering ways to keep these things buried for longer. The things I don’t want to deal with. The things I don’t want to think about. The things I don’t want to worry about. Because there are so many things. These thoughts they take me hostage and offer no reward, no ransom. I wrestle them with no end in sight not solutions to these problems. How does one stop the thoughts that keep coming and refuse to be quiet? I know they are getting the best of me and yet I’m powerless to confine them and restrain them.

Dreaming of Innocent Eyes

Terrified of waking up and never gazing into a pair of innocent crystal blue eyes

Horrified that one day there will never be a you

My heart longs to see your face to know what you could be

My mind has constructed you in a million ways

Sometimes you are running toward me with open arms and a mess of blonde waves smiling

Sometimes you are climbing into my lap and resting your head on my shoulder begging for a bedtime story

I’ve seen you in my dreams

I’ve memorized the sound of your heartbeat

Yet here I am without you

My soul is growing weary without you here

My heart is heavy with the wonder of when or if you will exist

Afraid that I may never get to see those dimples in your smile

Terrified of waking up and knowing you will only ever been a dream

Restrain Me

push me down

hold me under the water

until i can no longer breathe

let me float away from this place

help me escape this fate

tie me up

hold me still

until i can no longer flee

let me turn to stone

help me remain

hoist me up

dangle me by my feet

until i no longer fear falling

let me welcome the fall

help me fly away

pin me down

hold me until I finish falling apart

until all misery is vanquished

let me break free

help me remain

Until I can no longer remain restrained

Hands Full of Honeysuckle

I will never forget how your laughter was so contagious
Little blonde hair blue eyed girl with hands full of honeysuckle and mischief
"Can he come out to play today?"
Little brown hair boy with bright eyes full of curiosity and dreams
Running through the grass barefooted, turning cartwheels and jumping through mud puddles
Summers full of splashing in the pool, bike rides, trampoline wars, catching fireflies until our moms called us in for dinner
Imaginations untamed and wild with no limits
We explored the vastness between my house and yours
Discovering the treasures along the way
The Sun set on our Summer and September came
Autumn brought awkwardness, self doubt, broken bikes, empty trampolines, early nights and loneliness
Reality crashed, tossing our imaginations to the wind
brown hair boy grew into awkward teen unaware that the girl next door still wanted to be friends
blonde hair blue eyed girl turned into insecure teen unaware that the boy next door even cared
Winter kept us indoors with our doubts and worry, turning us to others that understood our new reality
Our time together was over, we seen each other in passing, never spoke, never hung out
We didn't have the words anymore, our imaginations destroyed as reality told us we could no longer be friends the way we had been
Teenagers didn't run through the sprinklers or spend the day imagining being from another world and helping out the fairy folk
Spring kept us apart, we didn't know how to fight the passage of time or the war going on inside
The years changed us still, after so much time had passed there was nothing left
The vastness between your house and mine became unknown territory again
Neither one of us knew how to cross the space inbetween and rectify a friendship long lost
You left for college without a goodbye, that little blue jeep packed with all your secrets
I left a year later with my little blue car filled with all my fears and ambitions
Our summers are forever gone now but not forgotten, never forgotten
Brown hair boy, awkward teen into beautiful man full of grace and strength
Blonde hair blue eyed girl, insecure teen into self confident inspired woman
I am no longer scared to run through the grass barefooted, splash in a mud puddle, or imagine I'm a fairy protecting the woodland creatures great and small
No longer do I hide behind my fears and insecurities, no longer am I scared of my own imagination
I want to run through the space between our houses and leap up the stairs to your door
and say "Can he come out to play today."
I want to explore the vastness of time that has past and discover what we missed out on while apart
I want to relearn how to stay outside all day until the night sets in with my best friend
However, time has taken too much from us and we lead different lives in separate states with new friends
I'm not even sure of who your are anymore because you will forever be the little brown hair boy that used to live across the road from a house that is no longer mine
I cherish these memories and relish in the intense desire to imagine all the possibilities of how we could have been
Every now and then I see those children we used to be playing dress up and running through the grass barefooted with heads full of wonder, eyes full of curiosity and dreams, hands full of honeysuckle and mischief
Every now and then, I think of you my long lost friend with a smile on my face and tug of nostalgia in my heart
And I will never forget how your laughter was so contagious

Elephant Eyes

Tongue Tied
Half Fried
Stop Light
Got me trippin'
Like that boy standing on the corner with the red balloon and elephant eyes
You never see me anymore
Eyes wide
Fists clenched
Shoes tight
Foreign smiles across tight rope balance act
I thought you would know
But you cant see me anymore
Invisible Invincible Inconceivable
I don't think it means what you think it means
Broken mind
First Time
Stop Light
Got me trippin'
Like that boy standing at the intersection with the big frown and elephant eyes
You can't see me now
I hope you don't see me
I never want you to see me

Granddaddy

your hands held me
i was so small
a baby in your hands

your smile greeted my laugher
my hugs embraced
a child at your knees

your words comforted my heart
love for a granddaughter
a teen by your side

your eyes spoke to my soul
joy for a life well lived
a woman standing in tears
at the end of your years

*For my Grandfather...George H.

 Forever you will be missed

Forever your love will live on....*

Missing you

Missing you
telling you that i love you again
finding it difficult to breathe again
won't you awaken
tonight

missing you is more than i can handle
you slipping away
going too far away
away from me
won't you awaken
to hold me in your arms

missing you is easier each day
still missing you
missing
missing
you 

november
spring
summer
decemeber
spring
summer
all over again

missing you
still
hold me in your arms tonight
kiss me goodnight
make this pain go away
yet it's only you
slipping forever away